What I Believe

Stop.

Rewind.

Play…

New Years Eve 2009:

I love New Years Eve. Everything about it from the corny sunglasses, to the “Best Of” countdowns on the various television show networks broadcast during the week leading up to New Years. I love the ball dropping, the anticipation, counting down the last ten seconds of the year while being surrounded by friends and family, looking at one another excitedly and with bated breath as we enter into a new year together, or in this case a new decade. I just love the energy. There is always a heightened level of reflection that is brought on around this time of year, and that is where I found myself after all of our guests had gone home for the evening…

…It was a little after 1 in the morning and I found myself on confetti clean up duty in the living room, while Geoff was on kitchen detail. (The three pack of confetti cannons sounded like a great idea at the time in the party store earlier that day, but I was quickly beginning to second guess that decision as I worked steadfastly to remove the colorful mess coating our living room floor, utilizing whatever tool I could to make the process go a little smoother from the household broom and dustpan to the vacuum cleaner. It was when Geoff caught me seriously considering using Bella as a sort of animal hoover vac to help assist in cleaning up the remaining thin layer of bits and pieces that clung stubbornly to our floor and furniture that he rescued us all with his ingenious idea of employing the gigantic Shop Vac that he keeps in the garage.)

However, when I was in the thick of the clean up I found myself looking past the confetti and reflecting back on the past decade. Where I was, where I’ve been. What I’ve learned. Where I am today. The sounds of the dishes clinking in the sink as Geoff washed them faded away as I began thinking about just how much stuff has happened in my life in what seems like now, such a short time span.

Education. I’ve sat in many lecture halls. I’ve diligently poured over a multitude of textbooks. Dutifully taking notes while clutching a neon yellow highlighter pen. I’ve been to a lot of graduations, and I’ve been in a lot of graduations. I’ve worn a lot of cap and gowns; high school, undergrad, grad school. I sat in the stands and watched my younger brother graduate. I’ve found myself in the stands often, waving the oncoming summer heat away from me with numerous graduation programs. Change. In ten years, I’ve had 7 different addresses. 5 apartments, my first house, 1 dorm, and my mother’s house. (Not in that exact order.) I’ve moved.  A lot. I’ve helped a lot of others move. Cardboard boxes fear me. I’m quite an expert at packing up a life and moving on. But then again, I had a lot of training for that even before this past decade. I think I’m done moving for awhile. I’m home. And really, for the first time in a long time I can say that. Loss. Thinking back on the past ten years, I thought of all of the people who were there in my life in 1999 but who aren’t here to begin a new decade with. Some left bigger gaps than others, but all are missed. Learning how to cope with loss was without a doubt the most difficult life lesson of the decade for me. Love. I’ve been loved, and I’ve been in love. In the past ten busy years, somewhere in the midst of it all between the grief and the years of schooling, odd jobs held and packing tape, I learned about love. When it’s right. When it isn’t.

For me, 1999 to 2009 was quite a journey. Some days were harder than others, and some I never wanted to end. Truthfully though, I know that without the bitter, the sweet just ain’t as sweet…

…Finally, all of the dishes had been put away and the final strands of confetti had been plucked from the couch cushions. Only a few noisemakers and a couple of gawdy New Years party hats were left on the table to indicate that we had a celebration of any kind. We set about our nightly routine of letting Bella out one more time, turning out the lights and locking up the house. Glancing over my shoulder I checked the digital readout on the clock on the kitchen stove before heading to bed. Finding a green 1:57, I hit the lights and walked expertly through the darkness. Nearly two hours already into 2010, I stifled a yawn and could only wonder what this next decade will bring.

Stop.

Fast forward >>>

Play…

New Years Eve 2010:

An entire year has passed, and somehow those damn little confetti pieces still seem to work their way out of their various hiding places from last year.  Just last week, one popped out from between the couch cushions while I was settling in to watch a movie.  Doesn’t happen very often.  But often enough so that each time I find an errant confetti piece, while vacuuming in mid-July, or when I pulled out the sleeper sofa in August for visitors, or when hanging the holiday decorations on top of the entertainment center, I’m taken back to last New Years Eve.

One tiny little confetti piece.  It’s all it takes to have the pause button hit.  Rewind.  And suddenly, before I know it, I’m back at that moment.  Don’t you hate how easily some memories can be triggered like that?

“I think I’m done moving for awhile.  I’m home.  And really, for the first time in a long time I can say that.”

Did I really say that?

This New Years I am excited to try something a little different to ring in the new year.  In two hours when the ball drops at midnight, I’ll be toeing the starting line at the New Year’s Eve 10k in Eugene.  Yes, I will be running-not ringing- in the new year.

New Years always brings with it a time to pause and reflect.  Which is exactly what I’ll be doing tonight as I run into the new year.

For me, I can say 2010 was quite a journey.  Some days were harder than others, and some I never wanted to end.  Truthfully though, I know that without the bitter, the sweet just ain’t as sweet…

And that is what I believe.



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~ by oregoniangal on December 31, 2010.